Four against one isn't fair

You know you’re not at your best when you very matter-of-factly talk through how you’ve been feeling with a friend and they start to cry, as in actual proper tears, cry. Or maybe it’s actually a sign that you are at your best and the fact you can talk about it that way shows you are not being beaten and are on top of things.

Maybe.

It’s fair to say the last few weeks have not been my best health-wise and by that I’m covering both my mental and physical health. I’m not entirely sure which one started it but like a frustrated parent let me say to depression, anxiety, fatigue and pain, I don’t care which one of you started it, I’m finishing it!

Recently they are all having a go, every morning I wake up wondering whose turn it is to challenge me or rather what combination of them will I be facing that day. It’s like someone is pulling the handle on some kind of cursed one arm bandit to see who I get to fight in the next round.

In fact I’ve gotten to know them so well I sometimes picture them in my mind as this horrid little gang of four attention-seeking, nasty wee creatures all vying for attention and glory, like some dark and twisted version of the Mr Men and Little Miss characters. Mr Depression, Miss Anxiety, Mr Pain and Miss Fatigue*. Urgh, what a crappy bunch.

*btw don’t read into the gender allocation there!

They are all awful in their own way, I’m not even going to attempt to compare or rank them. Whenever one is really taking over I could easily be convinced it’s the worst of the bunch, right up until another takes it’s turn. If you haven’t experienced them first hand then it’ll be hard to fully realise what they can do to you physically, mentally and emotionally but believe me, each in their own way can be completely overwhelming, dibilitating, frightening and, as I have found, a trigger for the rest to come out and play too.

It always amazes me how quickly each of them can hit me. I always describe depression as if I’m sinking because it’s exactly how it feels, like I’m disappearing from the real me and everything around me. I have to fight so hard to crawl back up to normality or even just to avoid sinking any further.

Anxiety can flash in a second and okay so I’m never the calmest or laid back individual anyway but they they don’t call them panic attacks for nothing. And it’s not just the speed but the strength and staying power of it is frightening. The fear, the spiralling thoughts, the panicked breathing, I can feel myself immediately shut down and need to hide, luckily I have a lot of support around me and have been able to shout out to them when anxiety has been taking hold.

Fatigue is a burden, that’s the word that springs to mind. It’s like having this impossible weight around you, pushing you down, dragging you back, holding you still. The exhaustion, the heaviness of the simplest movement and the sheer effort required for the smallest actions is astonishing. It’ll make you weep with frustration and weariness. Well it would if your body had the strength to let you, being too tired and weak to cry, think or feel is a state you are never prepared to experience. It’s incredible how much effort emotions require and the physical toll they can take on you.

This Christmas our family lost a very close friend and if you’ve ever lost someone you know the emotions you go through on hearing the news. The shock, the disbelief, the anger at the world, the utter sadness and the pain of heartbreak just to name a few. Well these emotions take it out on your body more than you may realise. Luckily, good ol’ ME (Myalgic Encephalomyalitis) knows just how to let you know!

The day after hearing this dreadful news I woke in pain. Real, excrutiating, head to toe, constant pain. I’m fortunate enough that pain as a symptom of ME is rare for me and only seems to flare up when I’m having a particurly bad day/period. That day however pain was in fully in charge. The others, fatigue and depression were still there in supporting roles but pain was definitely being a diva and hogging all the limelight. (FYI Their good pal anxiety seemd to have the day off thankfully!) Every part of my body hurt. Fingers, wrists, arms, shoulders, hips, thighs, shins, ankles, toes, everything. I could barely move and was almost grateful when fatigue stood forward and pulled me back to sleep so I didn’t have to bear the aching for a while.

So why am I telling you all this? It’s not terribly happy is it? Or even very helpful. No, it’s not but it is real. It’s my reality right now it is for many others. Things aren’t always as straight forward as they first seem, yes I have ME but that doesn’t mean that I’m just sleepy and yes I have mental health challenges but that doesn’t mean I don’t have physical ones too.

ME sufferers are so often told it’s all in their mind, not just in a dissmissive way but as belief by some that it’s a purely psycholgical condition and whilst I know that it is not, I have also come to recognise the importance of good mental health to support good physical health. When I’m anxious, stressed, grieving or depressed it will in turn trigger my physical symptoms. Not because they are in my head but because everything is linked and mental health is incredibly important and so often completely misunderstood.

So what now? Well, I’ve taken lots of positive steps including talking openly to those around me, I’ve been to my GP to discuss my medication, I’ve asked for help where I need it, I’ve picked positive things I know bring me joy and focussed on them and I’ve remembered that I’ve faced all these things before and survived them and that I will do again. They things are not me and I am not them. They are simply something I need to deal with and I’m getting better and stronger at doing so.

So those four sneaky little shits can try, but I will be Happy Barnet again! In fact, I’m pretty sure I already am.